Terrible Pink Monster
by Annwyd
Summary: Orihime has a solution to all the interpersonal problems that have plagued her and her friends. [Crack]


Orihime's hands move like bright butterflies--all the more so because she's painted each fingernail a different color to help her gesture properly to explain the diorama she's just made. Either that, or because she felt like it. 

Ichigo looks more closely at the strange assortment of dolls. One is definitely him, another definitely Orihime. The hair makes it clear. There's one with tiny glasses that looks like Ishida, and another that's too big to be anybody but Chad. Yet another seems to be Rukia, and nearby is Tatsuki, along with that one lesbian stalker classmate of Orihime's.

The dolls are all dressed in bizarrely antique--and yet perfectly made--clothes.

"Inoue..." Ichigo stares down at the pile. "What the hell are you doing with these?"

She merely hums louder and ignores him. He's becoming nervous. The dolls each match a person gathered here at her house. Somehow, nobody has killed each other yet, although Tatsuki seems on the verge of crossing that line with Chizuru. Ichigo wonders whether he should bother stopping her.

"All right, everybody!" Orihime sings out. She claps her hands together and beams. "I was reading one of Kuchiki-san's books--"

"Huh?" Rukia says. "Oh, which one? I don't remember leaving any here..."

"Why were you in her house to begin with?" Ichigo demands, eyes narrowing.

"Mind your own business, idiot."

"No, tell me--"

Orihime cuts them off as she continues, "It was about a world of terrible wonder and wonderful terror!" She clasps a hand to her chest. "There were dragons! And fairies! And monkeys! And _monkey dragons_!"

"Oh, that one--" Rukia starts, but she stops when Orihime lunges--not for her, but for Ichigo, who stands next to her.

Instead of assaulting him, though, Orihime trips and flails. "Monkey dragons, Kurosaki-kun! Watch out for them!" She falls to the carpeted floor, landing on a pile formed by Tatsuki and Chizuru, who were both simultaneously attempting to catch her. Orihime straightens up, but does not get off of the pile.

("You bitch, get out from between us," Chizuru hisses at Tatsuki from the bottom of the pile.)

"But even the monkey dragons could not compare to the true monster of the story!" Orihime's eyes are wide. "It was a terrible! Pink! Monster! Called! LOVE!" She flings out her arms to Ichigo. "_Love_, Kurosaki-kun! Nothing could be done to contain it!"

(Tatsuki kicks Chizuru in the shin from her position on top of her and beneath Orihime.)

"It was very sad," Orihime says gravely. "But luckily, at the last moment--the very last!--I came up with a solution! And then I realized, it would be perfect for us, too!"

"Us?" Ichigo says blankly.

Rukia crosses her arms and looks dangerously close to rolling her eyes.

Orihime, however, merely hops off her makeshift seat and bounds back to the table where the dolls are. "Like this!" She pushes them around one last time. They're starting to get into a rather awkward position, Ichigo notices. "Only without clothes!"

Silence. The room considers this.

Tatsuki crouches next to the dolls (now sporting a new bruise from Chizuru's fist, which is odd because Ichigo is pretty sure she could have dodged that if she wanted to), plucking at the silken pink frills on her miniature clone. "Well, that's a good thing. There's no way I'd ever wear this." A beat. "Wait--"

"There's nothing wrong with that dress," Ishida declares. "Or any of the clothes."

Tatsuki ignores him. "What do you mean, Orihime?"

"But that's all wrong, 'Hime-chan!" Chizuru says. "Only you and me need to take our clothes off!" She waves dismissively. "The rest of these losers can all go home. Particularly _her_," and she glares at Tatsuki.

Orihime blinks. "But that's the whole point!"

Everyone looks at her.

Finally, Chad slowly says, "All of us? Together?"

"Exactly!" Orihime bounds over and squeezes him in a hug.

"...well, that's one way of doing it..." Rukia muses.

Ichigo feels one eyebrow starting to twitch.

"Why am I on the bottom?" Ishida demands suddenly.

"She wants us all to throw off our clothes and have a giant orgy and you're worried about who's on the _bottom_?" Ichigo asks incredulously.

Behind him, Chizuru suddenly erupts with fury. "You put me next to _her_! 'Hime-chan, how could you do that! You know--"

"It's okay!" Orihime beams beatifically at her. "This is just the first time! If Kuchiki-san's book is right, we should be able to do this nine times between now and midnight! I've got the first five arrangements figured out already. Kurosaki-kun can think of the other four!"

"This is _not_ what I thought I was making those doll clothes for," Ishida says unhappily.

Ichigo looks at him.

"What?" Ishida says.

"This is why you're on the bottom, you know."

"Shut up."


End file.
